Some stories would be much more amusing if I werenâ€™t in them. Take, for example, this text message. If only it had been received by a talented wit rather than my own ordinary self…
I WISH U COULD JAB IT UP MY ASS LIKE U JABD IT UP MY PUSSY YSTDAY I WANNA FUCK U SO BAD MY PUSSYZ ACHING I KNO U WANT ME AGAIN
Now, how would you have answered? Would you have texted back the reply â€˜Very Amusingâ€™ or gone with something slightly more interesting? I thought as much.
Of course, had you done so then you might not have got the following reply:
DONT B LIKE THAT U MOANED LIKE I WAS A GODDESS THE WAY MY TOUNGE SWIRLED ALL AROUND THE NOB OF UR MAN CHICKN 😉 U LOVED IT
Sardonic players of this game might, by this time, have raised a single eye-brow, taken a sip of their whiskey and sent back the loaded â€˜Really?â€™ Or, maybe, thought ever so briefly about taking note of the number and giving this precocious thing a call. For me, only a touch of the former.
HELL YES WHY U BEING SHADY IS UR GF THERE? U SHOULD GET RID OF HER U NO HALF UR M8S WANT ME BUT I WANT U SO U GOTA MAKE THE DECISION
By this time â€˜on to itâ€™ readers will be wondering why I am not providing them with the number in question (sorry, fellahs, but this happened two and an half years ago and the number is not likely valid) and wouldnâ€™t at all appreciate a â€˜Highlanderâ€™ reference, such as â€˜But in the end there can be only one!â€™ as a suggested reply…
Such readers, of course, have my highest admiration.
AND UR POINT BEING – STOP PLAYIN AROUND DO U WANT ME OR NOT IF NOT STOP GRABIN AND TOUCHIN ME WHEN U C ME GOD IM 20 I DONT NEED UR BULSHIT
Most pundits will, by now, have invoked their fantasy-states and will no longer be reading anything other than the capitalised sentence-fragments (which make up the better parts of this missive). And a good thing to; I have no idea why anyone, especially me, would think that â€˜20?â€™ would make a good reply at this juncture.
WHY IS THAT SO SHOCKN ITHORT U SAID U LIKED MY FIRM TIGHT ASS AND MY FIRM HANDFULS HMMMM UR BING SHADY 2NGHT ANSWR MY QUESTION DO U WANT 2 FUCK ME OR NOT
The answer to this is obviously very, very, very clear and thus not suitable for genteel folk that read â€˜Brainstab.â€™ My response, horribly predictable as it was, needs no groans of frustration or feelings of sympathy from you; being deplorably â€˜Englishâ€™ is bad enough. Instead, I offer this tale to you as a moral lesson, with the hope that it is not morality that you take away from it.
Now all I need is to imagine a better end to the phone call from a stranger that started â€˜Iâ€™ve just got word that theyâ€™re giving me the bikini modelling contract…â€™