Over the last few weeks we have received a number of letters from readers concerning activities here at â€˜Brain Stabâ€™ central. Some have been amusing, a few offensive and at least one implicitly pornographic. Those letters not snatched up and hidden in bedrooms around the country we reprint below, with our lovingly-crafted replies appended.
Young Mr. Mepoc has not written much for your broadsheet in recent months. What has happened to him? Has he become interested in girls? Is he part of the New World Order and no longer has time for informing and entertaining us plebs?
Desperately seeking reason,
Reg of Awatane
Let me be the first to assure you that none of â€˜Brain Stabsâ€™ writers are in any way interested in girls. Girls are the number one cause of cooties in our generation and the â€˜Brain Stabâ€™ staff have, quite rationally, sworn off these disease-ridden pox-hags and, instead, entered into a Spartan-like union with each other. As to Mr. Mepocâ€™s whereabouts, little is currently known. Some claim to have seen him felling trees in Oregon whilst another witness claims that the Swedish monarchy is hiding him from his former masters. Whatever the case, we are sure that when his current travails are over he will return to amuse us all with anti-libertarian folk songs and paintings from the Algarve.
Mr. Brain Stab.
Does Morthos think he is funny? If he does, has anyone thought of having his head checked out by a medical quack? My aunt thought she was funny; it turned out that she had rabbis and had to be put down.
Susan Kilgore-Trout, Blackpool
I suspect your aunt had rabbies, not rabbis, although she may well have been a modern woman and who are we to judge? Anyway, rest assured that Brother Morthos Agrippa Octavius Bloodmonster Spittoon Yellow (his full name, currently) does not think he is funny; he is, in fact, a cryptographer for the Bohemian Crown Prince and all of his posts are, in fact, coded shopping lists. Except for the post about the gnats. That was meant to be funny. Pity, really.
To whom it may concern.
Please make RSJS desist from mentally undressing me everytime I read his posts. The long sentences, the slippery-slopes of his analogies are doing my head in. I canâ€™t cope with some many jokes about the cock. Help me.
We would apologise profusely for the behaviour of our writers if a) we had any control over them and b) we actually cared about our readership. As â€˜Brain Stab – Stab. In. Head!â€™ is a vanity project with a readership number in the decimal places we consider it your fortune that you have stumbled over our words. Let me assure you, Mr. RSJS, that Mr. RSJSâ€™s posts are amongst the finest in his literary cadre and everyone loves the cock. Especially Mr. RSJS (no offence meant, but take it anyway).
What is up with this â€˜Joshâ€™ character? Does all he do is read the internet and post stories about newsreports? Does he not have a real job? And whatâ€™s this I hear about his hot girlfriend?
Rodney, of no fixed abode.
Rodders (I may call you that, may I?).
This â€˜Joshâ€™ character of which you speak is, in fact, the latest advance in geopolitical artificial intelligence. Running almost entirely upon a battery made of Nerdelicious soaked in Mountain Dew, the Josh-o-matic 3000 trawls the internet at an amazing 800 baud on three simultaneous channels. He also has a calendar function and can travel through time. As the only real machine amongst the â€˜Brain Stabâ€™ staff he is permitted to associate with persons of the opposite persuasion, which is probably where the rumours of â€˜hot girlfriendâ€™ have come from. Either that or the cannibalism.
Why does Apathy Jack hate the world so much? I like flowers. He should to.
Thank you for your time.
Tina, age 3
Jack doesnâ€™t so much hate the world as hate the people who make up the world. And he doesnâ€™t so much hate the people who make up the world as hate the people he has to interact with in the world. Rest assured, he loves flowers. In fact, many is the morning where Jack will wake up and cheerfully tell the writing staff of â€˜Brain Stabâ€™ that he going off to make love with the flowers. Those of us unfortunate enough to follow him have seen him happily jump and stomp over paddocks of daffodils, break into nurserys and rend orchirds with his teeth and do improbable acts with poppies and his underbelly. He also likes children… And not for that reason, you filthy-minded kindergarten brat. Back to the cage with you.
Why don’t I ever post anymore?
Because you are looking after baby. Look after baby. Baby need be looked after. Baby.