Category: morthos

Whether on the frontlines or relaxing back home on the Death Star every Imperial Stormtrooper should not be without these wonderful faux-satin pajama bottoms. Made from the finest spun-neocrylinian, these pajama bottoms really do put the ‘Storm’ in ‘Trooper.’ Available in all standard sizes (Medium, Large and Clone).

Dentith, who like his colleague grew up in Devonport, is fascinated by the way the North Head story evolved from local folklore into conspiracy theory, becoming increasingly convoluted and threatening. Initially, it fixated on the location of the seaplanes and it was presumed they had been blocked up to keep them dry. When the military denied their existence, it became a full-blown conspiracy theory.

“Why were they hiding these planes? Two rotting seaplanes doesn’t seem like a good reason to keep an entire complex of tunnels hidden from public view, does it? So the story gets an added layer, the discarded ammunition theory.

“It’s almost as if the story had to become as big as the hill itself.”

Yes, I know, shameless self-promotion.

A nod to both Douglas Adams and Iain Banks today with this, a photographic reference from the tourist trap that is Camden.

Truth; the haploid step-sister of Fiction

Reuters, AAP

This just in; the Northern Hemisphere is awash in conspiracies. Our man on the spot, Mr. Matthew Dentith, has the news.

“Good evening. I’m sitting here in Marylebone shaken to my very core by the revelations that the streets of London have revealed over the last week. Conspiracies, long rumoured to the blood and bone of American politics, have crossed the oceanic divide and made themselves known to the otherwise peaceful and long-term pacifist Britons.

“Nearby in the heart of Mayfair, London’s notorious Bavariantown, the Illuminati, long rumoured to be the wetdream of the VRWC and a bogeyperson to the Left, have not just arisen unholy from the grave but have started opening shops to peddle their delicious and subversive thought-crimes. This reporter was able to take this shaky phonecam picture near the American Embassy before being shoved along by a police officer armed only with a sub-machine gun. That the Illuminati have reappeared on a sound economic basis can only mean that Britain’s long-standing policy of keeping Europe divided has fallen into disarray. The European Economic Consortium, better known as the anagram ‘EU,’ goes from strength to strength and the UK, always with the hating of ‘Johnny Foreigner,’ has had to contract out to the natural enemy of freedom, democracy and clean underwear, the Bavarian Illuminati.

“Further proof comes to use from one Mr. James Hall, whose efforts in photographic journalism have not gone unnoticed. This structure, currently being built in Cheswick, appears to be a triangular structure built into a wall that towers above the township. Could this be an Illuminati temple? This reporter says ‘Yes’ wholeheartedly. The structure, probably made from the ground down bones of babies and OAPs, will likely be illuminated at night by one hundred torches made from the fats of royal personnages rendered down by the factories owned by Tory fatcats. Sensationalism, one might argue, but other sinister moves in the United Kingdom only prove this reporter’s fears.

“Harley Street has long been the medical centre of the Western world, with the very best of the surgical world having their exclusive cosmetic practices upon its hallowed streets. This reporter, however, has uncovered the sinister practices of these upper-middle class quacks whose nightly practices would leave a Cthulhu worshipper feeling dirty. Yes, somewhere within the bounds of Zone One a trade in human hearts is taking place. Where these important muscles are being sourced from can only be the lower classes, once oppressed by Thatcher herself. The Cockney spirit, weakened by years of economic repression and the realisation that foreigners, like this very reporter, are taking away their livelihood, are now sacrificing themselves in the hope that the monies earnt from this foul trade will be enough to shift their families to the safety of Milton Keynes or Swansea. Government officials deny any knowledge of this organ trade, insisting that the signs have been misread. I ask you; what does ‘Heart Hospital Deliveries’ signify to you.

“The UK. No longer the land of the free and the brave; it’s very spirit is threatened by malign forces. This is Matthew Dentith, the last free-thinking individual in the bounds of the United Kingdom, signing off this special report.”

Editor’s note: Mr. Matthew Dentith’s libellous attacks on Harley Street Medicos is thought to spring from his discovery of what one of these said cosmetic surgery’s did to the late-great Alvin Stardust. The fine minds at Brainstab would like to disassociate themselves from these remarks and simply point out that the ravages of time are unfriendly to all men.

Firs there was porn. And, lo, we thought with our genitals and we found it to be good.

Then there was Pirate Porn. We hoisted the jolly roger and bade maidens to seek out our mizzen masts.

Now, from the reprobates who help keep Americans overweight comes…

Pirate. Fetish. Machine.

Say it with me.

Pirate. Fetish. Machine.

High Holburn; it will never be the same again. Arrh!

Being a horrible troll of a human being I don’t often get Valentine’s Day cards; I think the count is about nine over the course of twenty-eight years (and some of those don’t count because of the circumstances). Still, until today I had never received an anonymous card.

Anonymity in re Valentine’s Day has always struck me as not-even-vaguely silly. Now I know exactly who sent this card. It falls into the ‘bloody obvious’ category for two reasons; a certain reference in it and the fact that, being new to the UK I know exactly who has my address (since only the local bank really knows I exist). So I ask, what is the point of the anonymity? Is it meant to foster attention? Make me think idle thoughts of love? Engage my rumpy-pumpy mechanism? Am I spelling ‘anonymity’ correctly? Probably not. Sorry, side-tracked. If the sender of my Valentine wishes to remain hidden then why send it? If she wishes to be revealed why not sign it?

Oh, I get it. It’s obfuscation. If I decide to ignore the Valentine then she never need admit to it. If I decide to follow it then I’m still regquired to make the first move. Clever. Irritating. Still, endearing, although I belong to the ‘Women should make the first move’ society. Actually, this might count.

Talking about clever; I want to plug my Blogger profile because I had forgotten that I wrote this and I still find it funny:

Morthos (Brother Morthos to his friends) is a leading proponent of Intelligent Design Theory. He is the author of ‘The Identity of the Designer Revealed: The Elder Things,’ ‘The False Designer: Cthulhu’ and the educational pamphlet ‘The Mystery Of What Happened to the Designer Solved: The Shuggoth.’ He has been variously described; most people agree that he is the last of a dying breed of glorified dandies, fit only to commit high treason in this season’s most fashionable colours.

Post ends.